Friday, January 13, 2017

Apprehension Trumps

Apprehension Trumps

By Charles E. Kraus

Malcolm Gladwell called it the tipping point. My mother called it the final straw.  Now we are calling it the Trump Administration.

I cast my first Presidential vote in 1964, so I've come to expect a kind of pre-inaugural anticipation, new administration and all.  But this time it's different.  No anticipation.  Apprehension prevails.

From time to time, when the economy is bad, when we’ve begun or prolonged or intensified yet another war, when a ravaging disease such as HIV threatens, when something big enough to qualify as actual breaking news occurs, I wonder if my personal trip line has finally been crossed. If I'm impacted enough to respond in a serious, meaningful way. Is the event so disruptive that my reaction will be more demonstrative than shaking my head and shouting at the screen.  

My daughter will be in the Capitol on January 21.  Where will I be?

Some of us have never experienced a tipping point.  We've made decisions, but not disruptive ones. We've gotten married, become parents, gone off to work – lived lives in the prescribed sequence, traveling the kind of existence that a GPS might recommend. Logical, direct, uninspired.  

We've acquired houses and families. Financial commitments. Parental responsibilities, and workplace obligations . We are, or feel we are, locked into our lives. As the political system disassembles, we observe, maybe even bitch about the decline in government accountability and civic decency.  From just past nowhere, zealots reveal themselves and threaten to out maneuver  reasonableness.  This is happening on our watch, but who has the time to do anything more than click a petition, send a letter or make a donation?

When does the country turn so unsettling, unhinged and potentially damning to our children that we are obligated to act? And if we feel inclined to do so, to take action, what does that mean? Describe it please. Define meaningful. To me and more importantly, to yourself.

A great many years ago I knew a couple, two law students whose lives consisted of study and work, work and study. Comfortably middle class, and though this was during the Vietnam War era, a time when many young people marched and protested, my friends were far too involved in their personal development to do more than pay lip service to civic issues.

In May 1970, National Guardsmen shot and killed four Kent State students during a protest against bombings in Cambodia. There were no cable news operations, no instant internet alerts. If CBS, NBC or ABC told the public about a breaking news story, the networks meant a serious, consequential event had occurred. People stopped what they were doing and listened or watched.

My friends were highly focused. Disciplined. They'd regimented their lives, adhering to a schedule that would not distract from studying for the bar exam. External events were on hold.

I believe the classical station was broadcasting nondescript background music when the interruption came. An announcer broken into the program to report that four Kent State students had been shot and killed during a protest. My friends heard this and continued studying. Several days later, The New Mexico National Guard bayoneted 11 students. These and similar events lead to the country's only nationwide campus strike. Hundred of colleges and universities shut down. Four million students participated. Including my friends.

Five days after the Kent State murders, 100,000 people showed up in our nation’s capitol to demonstrate against the Guard’s brutality, and against the war. My friends closed their text books, altered their plans, got into their car and drove to DC. They'd had enough.  The country turned against the war.  A collective tipping point had been reached. 

The current issues are about another kind of war, a war against common sense, reasonableness and decency.  








Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Scary Santa Sighting

Scary Santa Sighting
By Charles E. Kraus


It’s started.  As of this writing, eleven Scary Santa sightings have been reported in major cities, primarily in the Northeast.  However, authorities warn us to expect the phenomena to spread nation-wide long before we pack-up our Christmas trees and prepare for ski season.

Members of the Anderson family had exited their Fostoria, Ohio Walmart and were walking to the van when a particularly repulsive Santa, wearing a ragged red outfit, brown boots, and an alligator belt, jumped at them from between two parked cars and began singing unauthorized verses of We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

“I was more than frightened,” said Mrs. Anderson, “I was offended.”

“His beard was filthy, and not long enough,” her son stated.

“It was short.  Almost a goatee!”, her daughter added, approximating the length by a two inch gap between her thumb and index finger.

Meanwhile, in New London, Connecticut, Captain Wertz, Connecticut National Guard, called for additional training sessions to help prepare his troops for possible action.

“Kids are involved here, so we have to be extremely sensitive, but vigilant.  If it becomes necessary, I’m prepared to send armed patrols into malls and shopping centers.”

Psychologists at the Pratt and Rogers Institute issued guidelines to help parents distinguish between authentic Santa Clauses and renegades.

“Let’s face facts,” says Dr. Sloane Scott, “in this post-coherent era, it is not always possible to distinguish between the authentic and the counterfeit.  Implausible does not mean impossible.

“We suggest that when approaching a Santa, parents — and their children, at least youngsters eight and older — consider the following factors:  height, facial tattoos, piercings in eyebrows, where Santa’s ears are visible, is he (or she) wearing an earring that contains any inappropriate symbolism."

Dr. Stubby Winslow, Director of Gingfield Institute, issued a profile of legitimate Santas:

They should be at least 5’6”, weight at least 178 pounds.  If gloves have been removed, check for clean fingernails.   The Board of Health recommends hand sanitizers at all Santa Stations.

In anticipation of a scary Santa invasion, state governments have begun issuing Santa Credentials. North Carolina requires a rebirth certificate.  Unfortunately due to logistical complexities, mandatory Santa registration will not  beginning July of 2017.

Winslow suggests that Scary Santas might attempt to fool authorities by posing as ordinary, sweet, loving, Santas.

“Then, just as a child approaches,” they could rip off their beards, or worse, instead of saying, “Ho Ho Ho, how are you little fella,” they might begin yodeling, maybe rapping.  No Christmas rapping, except in Bloomingdales,” he said, “chucking to himself.

While this report was/is being written/keyboarded, the author turned on his television, only to be informed by CNN that an onslaught of random Scary Santa attacks have just taken place in Cleveland, Riverside California, and Durango Colorado.  Reporters are on their way to these locations.  Megyn Kelly and Wolf Blitzer are being helicoptered to Cleveland.

Posing as renegade Santas, investigative journalists from the New York Times infiltrated a scary Santa training bunker in Bismarck, North Dakota.  They tell us that several staffers are disgruntled former elves and ex-members of Santa’s North Pole annex.  The Times reports scary Santa candidates are forced to undergo drug, alcohol, and psychological testing.  Those who fail to show signs of abuse or alienation are not permitted to graduate unless they can provide a letter from a patrol officer, psychological counselor or ex-spouse indicating sufficient anti-social inclinations.




Monday, November 7, 2016

god.biz

god.biz
By Charles E. Kraus


God consults Google.  He wants to see if there is a cure for an evolving disease.  He checks the Mayo Clinic site, but it’s obvious they don’t know what they are talking about.  He’s outraged. He provides these folks with a lavish budget and they spout gibberish.  He makes a note.

As soon as there is an opening in his schedule, he’ll  send a memo about the disease to the Miracle Department suggesting a medical intervention.  If not a cure, then a remission, or at least a treatment plan.

“See if you can make any Rx generic, will you please.”

God spends a heavenly moment looking in on internet search patterns, sort of a mega screen shot, very big data.  The Annual Heaven Help Us Extravaganza is about to take place, and he wants to appear ‘current.”  At the last gathering, he was caught short by new trends in tattooology.

“Who would have thought?” the Lord said.

Note to staff (the angels, not the rod):   “I’m thinking we need an inservice regarding the iPhone 19.”

“There is no iPhone 19,” St. Cornelius replies.

“I have it on good authority 19 is coming.  I’ve set it as an alert on my Google calendar — May 2021.  Have you seen this app?  I recommend it.   According to my Cupertino eavesdropping, the damn phone will translate speech into thought waves that can be understood by half the damn animal kingdom.  Pretty impressive, if you ask me.”

Note:  “The world has gone crazy.  This is what happens when I multitask.  I get tired, you know.  I would take a nap, which is what Saint Huffington recommends, but I have a difficult time letting go. I’m one of those Gods who believes the infinite can’t function without me.”

“There are a lot of disgruntled disbelievers.  Fortunately, you can’t sue God.  Not this God.  If folks check their Bible, the fine print (Deuteronomy 17:8–99, sub 4) (footnote 2), they will see they’ve waived litigation rights and have to take spiritual accusations to private arbitration.   We have a contract with Steinberg, MacMurry & Hazim.  These guys are extremely fair, though of course, they know who brings ‘em most of their business.  They’re nondenominational.  I believe Lucifer uses them for atrocity cases.”

The Lord decides to Skype withe Moses, who after a semi-successful Outward Bound assignment involving mountain climbing, flood control, and almost completing an extended hike in the dessert, had been reassigned to Kepler-186f, where he’s been operating a Sleep Train franchise.

“So how’s business, Mo?”

“I’ll tell you the truth … no wandering around … the straight ahead, honest to …. the truth.  We are on the verge of a very big success.”

“How so?”

“A product, patent pending as if it’s written in stone.  A product so old, it’s new.”

“Don’t keep me in suspense.  I hate suspense.”

“Unleavened bed.”



////



















Saturday, October 29, 2016

Why I’m Voting

Why I’m Voting
By Charles E. Kraus
ctmagician@gmail.com

Mort Sahl used to say that when he died he wanted to be buried in Chicago so he could remain politically active.  Evidently, certain cemeteries have grave-side polling Mausoleums.

By my count, I’ve participated in 11 Presidential elections.  Some have turned out my way, others found the majority heading in a different direction.  Nixon and Bush II for example; I was opposed to those guys, and still am.  Eisenhower worked out better than my dad said he would.  At the time, I was too young to have my own opinion, so I had my dad’s.  We were wrong.  I’ve voted even when I knew my candidate was going to lose. Seemed like the right thing to do. Set an example for my kids. Gave me a sense of living up to the obligations an adult takes on.

There was a time when the associates of ward bosses “helped” transients get to the polls, told them who to vote for, then compensated the derelicts with a little whisky money for their trouble — or loyalty.  Take your pick.

When our country opened for business, only white property owners were allowed to vote.  Then most white adult males.  Later, black males - if they could withstand the harassment and skewed literacy tests.  Eventually, even women could vote!  By 1971 eighteen-year-olds were participating in the process.  If you were old enough to defend your country, you were old enough to help select its leaders.  

In 2008 and 2012, the Left brought voter roll disenfranchisement of minorities to our attention.  In 2016, the Alt-Right wants us to know that hoards of aliens have infiltrated the registration process to skew election results.  So we have it both ways.  Registered Hispanics are being dropped from voter rolls, and illegals are swamping the system.

In this year of turmoil, I still intend to submit a ballot.  Just not by email.

When you cast one, you are voting for candidates, initiatives, and for the system.  Showing up means you have faith in the process, that there are enough checks and balances built in to overcome any tampering.  There is value in continuity. I assume my vote counts just like I assume I can walk down the street and get to my destination.  It’s not a certainty, but an extremely strong probability.  

Voting is signaling. It’s a message to those with whom you disagree that a segment of the population rejects their assessments and game plans.   You are also signaling to those with whom you agree, letting them know there are like-minded individuals ready to organize for the next round.

The greater the turnout, the more likely the will of the people prevails.  

Of course, it would be nice to think that informed voters outnumber other participants.  A little effort, please, Dear Potential Voter. A vote is a message, and if you are sending a message, it's best to have something to say.

////


Charles E. Kraus lives, writes and votes in Seattle.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Pro clown: Those creepy amateurs are bozos

Pro clown: Those creepy amateurs are bozos 
By Charles Kraus
    Recently published in The Oregonian and The Baltimore Sun 


Charles the clown and kids.jpg
Charles the Clown is a developmentally appropriate clown, meaning he puts his make-up on in front of children so he's less scary. The Seattle-area clown said he came up with the idea when he noticed some kids were uncomfortable when he entered in full costume. (Courtesy of Charles the Clown)
Guest ColumnistBy Guest Columnist 
Follow on Twitter
on September 30, 2016 at 6:56 PM, updated October 04, 2016 at 11:07 AM
By Charles Kraus
Might be a good idea to clear up the recent clown scares before Halloween.
I've been a clown for almost 50 years. Not a creepy one, not even a circus one. Nor a guy standing on the corner inviting customers to enter a store. I perform at children's parties, school shows, library programs, corporate events, festivals and fairs. As far as I know, the only person who thinks I'm creepy is my brother-in-law; he owes me money.
As a small boy, I was taken to the circus each year and got to watch Emmett Kelly, one of the world's great clowns. Not only wasn't he frightening; he wasn't even funny. He was sad, forlorn, and though ultimately amusing, mostly he touched heartstrings.
There are people who don clown costumes and suddenly go power mad. The outfit seems to give them license to cut loose. Most of these folks are amateurs who believe their exaggerated behavior is hysterically funny. They should be arrested for attempted impersonation of a clown.
It isn't really necessary to wear floppy shoes, colorful make-up and a rainbow wig to be a clown. Mr. Chaplin posed as a little tramp. Red Skelton simply put his hat on upside-down. As my stage show begins, I'm disguised as a relatively ordinary man. Except for the bright red pants.
About half way through the program, I try to turn myself into a clown. Everything seems to go wrong. As I'm powdering my face, the puff ends up on top of my head where I can't find it. Of course, the kids see it and began shouting their observation, trying to be helpful. I'm tangled in the suspenders and find myself wearing the jacket as if it was a dress. This may not sound particularly amusing, but it's been making kids laugh for 50 years.
I'm assuming that grownups who are fearful of clowns developed their coulrophobia (I'm still amazed that there is a scientific name for it) when scared by one as a child. The fear can be pretty pronounced. You would not believe the amount of hate mail my website attracts. According to the authors of some of these love letters, I'm in cahoots with the devil. Many years ago, the Los Angeles Unified School District refused to use clowns for their after-school programs. There is a stigma. When I make the rounds at the children's hospital, teenagers won't have anything to do with me.I developed the "become-a-clown" routine because I noticed that a few children were uncomfortable when I walked into the part
in the complete outfit. Made sense to me. Imagine a small child being confronted — possibly overwhelmed — by a tall person with strange hair, size 97-and-a-half shoes, wearing an outrageous outfit, and displaying a face that looked much sillier on television than from 2 feet away in Mrs. Smith's living room.

Yet, clowns make kids giggle. They visit senior centers where elderly gentlemen stand on long lines waiting for entertainers like me to twist balloon animals they can take back to lady friends seated at tables.

Not all clowns have the skills of Emmett Kelly. Or the sensibilities of Marcel Marceau. But, as far as I'm concerned, most are well-meaning and fun to watch. One or two may be creepy.
But, then again, there are creeps of all kinds roving the world. Some are dressed in business suits. Some in uniform. Or in the traditional polka dots and silly hair.
Lately, I've seen a lot of silly hair on television.


    Sunday, August 21, 2016

    OLD ENOUGH

    Old Enough

    By Charles Kraus


          Lately, life has gone from — where did I park the car, to did I drive here in my car?  I suppose, if I hang around long enough, the kids will ask me to hand over the car keys, and the questions will be moot. 
          I’ve been through a number of what you might call stages of the human condition — kids stuff, teen stuff, young adult, military, including a war, college, grad school, marriage, parenting, responsible son for aging parents, grand parenting.  There is more ahead, but you understand the progression.  
          Where young folks see two categories of senior -- old and decrepit, we of certain advanced generations, refine the far end of elderliness, transforming it into an expanded portfolio:
    TRANSITIONAL - Am I actually getting old?
    People begin opening doors for you and you resent it.
    ADVANCED TRANSITIONAL
    After a while, the resentment goes away.
    CONFLICT
    Next, particular people begin opening those doors.  First, young women.  Then frail older women.  Then folks who appear to be in need of your assistance manipulate their crutches and maneuver their wheelchairs so they can block the elevator door from closing, just in case you can’t make it through the entrance in a timely fashion.  You nod a thank you, but are upset by the implications.  Do you look like you need of this amount of help?
    STRATEGIZING 
    For a while, I portrayed a range of ages.  Young and spry to show my children they needn’t worry about poor old dad.  In the alternative, if I thought doing so might get me a quicker result while cavorting in the public arena, I’d give my impression of an “older” gent, engaging the world with a smidgen of unsteadiness and a touch of uncertainty  This technique can actually get you front of the line privileges, and is particularly helpful when waiting for a turn in the men’s room.
          Some people are deferential to seniors.  A subset are deferential but with a hint of insensitivity tainting their presentations.  “How you doing young man?,” the twenty-something drug store clerk says to me every time I stop by to purchase hearing aid batteries.  I try not to let him bother me — as long as I get my senior discount. 
          I’ve been know to act a bit feeble if a well meaning stranger treats me as if I’m just south of senile.  To avoid embarrassing the helpful person who has misjudged my needs. Suddenly looking alert, vigorous and facial — would be impolite — “Ha!  You thought I was some old fool.  Well, watch this, you nincompoop!”
          At first, I was surprised and offended to find the world ready, even anxious, to assistant me.  Later, I accepted the help as a form of entitlement.  Then, of necessity.  My mind went from, ‘can’t you see I don’t need your pity,” to “thank you, that’s appreciated,” and then on to, “can’t you see I need you to open the damn door!”  

    Monday, June 27, 2016

    DONALD TRUMP CHANNELS ARCHIE BUNKER


    DONALD TRUMP CHANNELS ARCHIE BUNKER
    Guest Columnist/cleveland.com By Charles E. Kraus

    [From Cleveland Plain Dealer 6/26/16  web and printed versions]


    Predictions had it that once Donald Trump secured the nomination, he'd move to the middle. Instead, he's moved to 704 Hauser Street. That's Archie Bunker's old address — the neighborhood is now upscale, pricey enough for ... well, how about Trump Astoria?

    Trump goes there, in his mind, when he wishes to mingle with the common folks. You know, "that black guy over there ... great guy. Nice. I love him."  

    Don and Arch use the same limited vocabulary, sounding like 14-year-olds experiencing a transformation process that will help them reach a level of sophistication often associated with 15-year-olds.

    Arch didn't have much in the way of formal education. He was blue collar, a victim of his time and place in society.  He worked on the loading docks after serving overseas in World War II, earning a Purple Heart for taking shrapnel in the rear end.

    Trump was born into golden diapers. He was prep-schooled at the New York Military Academy. (Although receiving four draft deferments and never serving in the actual military, Trump claims attending this boarding school gave him lots of insight into being a soldier.) He then attended Fordham University and the University of Pennsylvania. 

    Somehow, Trump never encountered a thesaurus. Members of his team are Great.  Terrific. Fantastic. The Best. Foes are Bad Bad people. Sluts. Ugly.

    Trump overflows with tired, hackneyed, stock phraseology. "Meathead," Archie's favorite epithet, out-trumps Trump.  

    Trump overflows with tired, hackneyed, stock phraseology.
    Expand your lexicon, expand your mind. Identifying and examining issues requires noticing and categorizing. Words identify concepts. But nuance is for middle management. If you are truly wealthy, you don't have to learn gradations or complex, critical thinking. You just tell staff, "Get me the best."

    Fans of "All In the Family" may protest my comparing Archie and Donald. The show's creator, Norman Lear, gave his television character some endearing qualities. I haven't noticed similar attributes in Mr. Trump.

    The New York guys do share a few tendencies. Archie was a bigot, suspicious of blacks, Hispanics and anyone practicing a religion that wasn't spelled WASP. Like Don, he believed every conspiracy theory, every superficial, unexamined, simplistic explanation for the multifaceted challenges faced by society and planet Earth.

    But Archie wasn't out to trick anyone. The guy wasn't a schemer. His opinions were genuine, sincerely held, if misguided, beliefs. They didn't require clarifications, convoluted explanations or denials. It is Trump, or his ghost writers, who wrote a book filled with tips about manipulating people.

    There is another difference between these characters, perhaps the most important of all. Archie is made-up. He's fiction. When the CBS Television studio lights were dimmed, he turned into Carroll O'Connor, a levelheaded actor.

    Trump didn't spring from someone's imagination. Sadly, he's for real.

    ////

    The closest that Charles E. Kraus got to the late actor Carroll O'Connor was when he worked in CBS-TV's Music Rights Department and shared a wall with O'Connor's office. Kraus now lives in Seattle.


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