god.biz

god.biz
By Charles E. Kraus


God consults Google.  He wants to see if there is a cure for an evolving disease.  He checks the Mayo Clinic site, but it’s obvious they don’t know what they are talking about.  He’s outraged. He provides these folks with a lavish budget and they spout gibberish.  He makes a note.

As soon as there is an opening in his schedule, he’ll  send a memo about the disease to the Miracle Department suggesting a medical intervention.  If not a cure, then a remission, or at least a treatment plan.

“See if you can make any Rx generic, will you please.”

God spends a heavenly moment looking in on internet search patterns, sort of a mega screen shot, very big data.  The Annual Heaven Help Us Extravaganza is about to take place, and he wants to appear ‘current.”  At the last gathering, he was caught short by new trends in tattooology.

“Who would have thought?” the Lord said.

Note to staff (the angels, not the rod):   “I’m thinking we need an inservice regarding the iPhone 19.”

“There is no iPhone 19,” St. Cornelius replies.

“I have it on good authority 19 is coming.  I’ve set it as an alert on my Google calendar — May 2021.  Have you seen this app?  I recommend it.   According to my Cupertino eavesdropping, the damn phone will translate speech into thought waves that can be understood by half the damn animal kingdom.  Pretty impressive, if you ask me.”

Note:  “The world has gone crazy.  This is what happens when I multitask.  I get tired, you know.  I would take a nap, which is what Saint Huffington recommends, but I have a difficult time letting go. I’m one of those Gods who believes the infinite can’t function without me.”

“There are a lot of disgruntled disbelievers.  Fortunately, you can’t sue God.  Not this God.  If folks check their Bible, the fine print (Deuteronomy 17:8–99, sub 4) (footnote 2), they will see they’ve waived litigation rights and have to take spiritual accusations to private arbitration.   We have a contract with Steinberg, MacMurry & Hazim.  These guys are extremely fair, though of course, they know who brings ‘em most of their business.  They’re nondenominational.  I believe Lucifer uses them for atrocity cases.”

The Lord decides to Skype withe Moses, who after a semi-successful Outward Bound assignment involving mountain climbing, flood control, and almost completing an extended hike in the dessert, had been reassigned to Kepler-186f, where he’s been operating a Sleep Train franchise.

“So how’s business, Mo?”

“I’ll tell you the truth … no wandering around … the straight ahead, honest to …. the truth.  We are on the verge of a very big success.”

“How so?”

“A product, patent pending as if it’s written in stone.  A product so old, it’s new.”

“Don’t keep me in suspense.  I hate suspense.”

“Unleavened bed.”



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