Revaluation
By Charles E.
Kraus
Two
rather suspiciously clean cut young men just came to my door offering gospel
literature and an invitation to get me saved at a forthcoming revival. I declined, but reluctantly. I do wish I had at least one religious bone,
one inclination to explain existence from a heavenly perspective. To be able to say, when a tragedy such as (here,
I was going to name a tragedy, but there have been so many lately that
selecting one seems preposterous). To
say, when extreme misfortune occurs, that God has a plan which I am unable to
see from the Heavenly angle, but that I should trust.
I
take a certain kind of comfort in the inability of any particular religion to
dominate, to be so obviously the true version of things sacred, that over time,
it prevails. Can’t we come to some spiritual
consensus, people? We’ve had millenniums
to work this out.
For
many years, Mormons secretly baptized Jews, allegedly so they could get a hall
pass to Heaven. There was a rumor that
in retaliation, Jews covertly bar mitzvahed Mormons so they could learn what it
feels like to be overwhelmed by cufflinks and Amazon gift certificates.
I
acknowledge that most religiosity takes place with the best of intensions. Don’t we all want to end up in High
Heaven? Well, no, actually. I for one would like to end up completely
dead. Not transferred to another
venue. Just finished. Not yet, of course. I’m not advocating, nor in any way
encouraging, my expedited demise. But when it’s over, I want to be completely
deconstructed.
It
must be difficult for Him/Her/Jehovah/Yahweh/Wowmister to keep track of
us. I’m thinking that the earth began as
a minor diversion. Couple of million
souls, little habitation, some loose energy.
It was the kind of endeavor you could manage in your spare time -- Godly-Google Calendar Notes: ‘check Harry’s bunions on Tuesday,’ ‘Wednesday,
remember to put some water into the Mississippi River,’‘Thursday, see if the
Johnson family is grateful.’ But over millenniums, some little ventures become
Apple – not from the tree, the Cupertino. Earth grew into a whirling success. Now, even God needs constantly updated
software to track the stats. You should
see his source code.
I’m
a secular-humanist. Our core belief is
that God is an atheist and we are responsible (or irresponsible) for our own destinies. Not necessarily our own health care, but our
own ethereal roads, taken or not. I
guess that means we are free to select any belief system that appeals. Therefore: everything inside or outside this
box is under the box, or over it, depending upon your perspective. As Lenny Bruce said, the earth revolves and
periodically, heaven is to the left. On
the other hand, Mort Sahl said that when he dies he wants to by buried in
Chicago so he can remain politically active.
My
bag is packed and stowed under my bed.
The routing slip says, ‘Oblivion,” but it will probably get lost and end
up in Detroit. No matter, they
evidently amount to the same thing.
Mark
Twain dreamed he died and went to Heaven where he encountered all the people he
hoped to get away from. Grabbing his
bag, he headed for the other place.
“There you have it,” he observed, “Heaven for climate, hell for
society.”
