Scary Santa Sighting
By Charles E. Kraus
It’s started. As of this writing, eleven Scary Santa sightings have been reported in major cities, primarily in the Northeast. However, authorities warn us to expect the phenomena to spread nation-wide long before we pack-up our Christmas trees and prepare for ski season.
Members of the Anderson family had exited their Fostoria, Ohio Walmart and were walking to the van when a particularly repulsive Santa, wearing a ragged red outfit, brown boots, and an alligator belt, jumped at them from between two parked cars and began singing unauthorized verses of We Wish You A Merry Christmas.
“I was more than frightened,” said Mrs. Anderson, “I was offended.”
“His beard was filthy, and not long enough,” her son stated.
“It was short. Almost a goatee!”, her daughter added, approximating the length by a two inch gap between her thumb and index finger.
Meanwhile, in New London, Connecticut, Captain Wertz, Connecticut National Guard, called for additional training sessions to help prepare his troops for possible action.
“Kids are involved here, so we have to be extremely sensitive, but vigilant. If it becomes necessary, I’m prepared to send armed patrols into malls and shopping centers.”
Psychologists at the Pratt and Rogers Institute issued guidelines to help parents distinguish between authentic Santa Clauses and renegades.
“Let’s face facts,” says Dr. Sloane Scott, “in this post-coherent era, it is not always possible to distinguish between the authentic and the counterfeit. Implausible does not mean impossible.
“We suggest that when approaching a Santa, parents — and their children, at least youngsters eight and older — consider the following factors: height, facial tattoos, piercings in eyebrows, where Santa’s ears are visible, is he (or she) wearing an earring that contains any inappropriate symbolism."
Dr. Stubby Winslow, Director of Gingfield Institute, issued a profile of legitimate Santas:
They should be at least 5’6”, weight at least 178 pounds. If gloves have been removed, check for clean fingernails. The Board of Health recommends hand sanitizers at all Santa Stations.
In anticipation of a scary Santa invasion, state governments have begun issuing Santa Credentials. North Carolina requires a rebirth certificate. Unfortunately due to logistical complexities, mandatory Santa registration will not beginning July of 2017.
Winslow suggests that Scary Santas might attempt to fool authorities by posing as ordinary, sweet, loving, Santas.
“Then, just as a child approaches,” they could rip off their beards, or worse, instead of saying, “Ho Ho Ho, how are you little fella,” they might begin yodeling, maybe rapping. No Christmas rapping, except in Bloomingdales,” he said, “chucking to himself.
While this report was/is being written/keyboarded, the author turned on his television, only to be informed by CNN that an onslaught of random Scary Santa attacks have just taken place in Cleveland, Riverside California, and Durango Colorado. Reporters are on their way to these locations. Megyn Kelly and Wolf Blitzer are being helicoptered to Cleveland.
Posing as renegade Santas, investigative journalists from the New York Times infiltrated a scary Santa training bunker in Bismarck, North Dakota. They tell us that several staffers are disgruntled former elves and ex-members of Santa’s North Pole annex. The Times reports scary Santa candidates are forced to undergo drug, alcohol, and psychological testing. Those who fail to show signs of abuse or alienation are not permitted to graduate unless they can provide a letter from a patrol officer, psychological counselor or ex-spouse indicating sufficient anti-social inclinations.
