Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Hire Education

                                                                    Hire Education

                                                                  By Charles Kraus

There is some debate, at least in my mind, about how I ended up being enrolled in boarding school.   It had something to do with Holden leaving Pencey Prep.  Or having attended it.  In 1960, the concept was going around.

I used to send for things.  Dear Piper Cub President, I am interested in purchasing one of your airplanes.  Please mail me a picture post card of your latest model.  Dear Connie Stevens, I think you are a wonderful singer, and beautiful.  Can I have your 8 x 10, with your autograph?   It was in this vain that I sent for the Hansley Hall catalog.  Like the plane, boarding school was a fantasy that involved postage.  I was a kid of the neighborhood, and in my neighborhood, no one owned, or even flew on a plane, went away to school or received any kind of private education, except Hebrew.  We were of the modest middle class.  Just ‘regular’ people leading ‘ordinary’ lives. 

In retrospect, I probably wished to get away from my family because it was not a very congenial assemblage.  Also, the thought of attending boarding school  had dramatic appeal.  But it was aspirational.  Only that.  Except that I happened to bring up the idea at a time having me out of the house, away from my parents’ faltering relationship, made more sense than I’d imagined. 

Sometime in early December, mom, dad and I went into the Manhattan to meet with Dr. Stevensonn, the headmaster of Hansley Hall.  We were having dinner with him at the Baltimore Hotel, across from Grand Central Station.  It was a cold, crisp night.  Snow had recently fallen then been collected and reconfigured along the edges and curbs of the illuminated evening.   The Biltmore, one of those older, elegant, midtown hotels, was decked out for Christmas in layers of muted charm and what I supposed was class.  It felt sophisticated, as did I, immersed in a refinement generally missing from my day-today Bronx existence.

Dr. Stevensonn, was a very pleasant middle-aged gentleman, comfortable to be with, easy going, with a gift for interacting with teens.  The principal at DeWitt Clinton High School scared the shit out of me.  Dr. Stevensonn, Doc, he suggested we call him, told jokes, put me at ease. 

We discussed his school.  At least, I’m guessing that is what we talked about.  I recall the setting more than the conversation.   Strangely, I remember the wallpaper, the carpets, the grand piano being played by a musician dressed as if he was providing Dickens with a sound track.   I have no idea what we ate or said.  At some point, shortly before desert, papers got signed.   I would go to Hansley Hall. 

Perhaps I was elated.  More likely, I was ambivalent.  But it turned out, there was no time to reflect.  My parents produced my camp footlocker, apparently all packed and ready for my journey.   It was placed into the luggage rack on top of Dr. Stevensonn’s VW bus.  Evidently I was leaving for boarding school that very evening and we needed to hit the road.  Mom provided one of her hug-kiss combos, complete with sound effects (Mmmmah!) but applied with restrained formality appropriate to the Biltmore setting.  Dad offered his standard hand shake.  Nice to meet you.  Nice to have met you. 

Off we sped north toward New England, toward snow covered hillsides, moonlight dancing on frozen lakes, glistening ice coated foliage, through Connecticut, Rhode Island, destined for North Egermont, Massachusetts.   Doc said a few words, then settled on a classical radio station.  I’d never been in a van.  Even on this dark evening, it ‘looked’ peculiar.  I did my best to doze in my first ever bucket seat.  Shortly after midnight, I was dropped off at the dormitory, Miller Hall.  The main campus was half a mile away, Doc explained.  The school’s bus would be by at 7:30 sharp.

New England had its established boarding schools, Andover, Stockbridge, Phillips-Exeter, Choate, Groton.  Some, such as Phillips-Exeter, were literarily hundreds of years old.  They served as home base for children of the wealthy, as feeder schools to Ivy League colleges. 

And then, there were the Hansley Halls.   Recent, sketchy, better on paper than on campus, holding tanks, mostly for boys who had not done well elsewhere.  Ads for these institutions could be found on the classified pages of the New York Times Sunday Magazine.   A sense of attempted legacy worked its way into the quasi-traditional, dignified names given to these educational ventures.  An impression of permanence, of stability, seemed the goal.  Were these places dispensers of the King’s Knowledge?   Let us say they appeared to be, yet anyone could find an abandoned New England farm house and convert it into an instant boarding school.  Some efforts reflected sincere scholastic motivation.  Most reflected financial boondoggling.

Hansley’s campus looked like the picture on the brochure.  The exterior of the school’s learning center, Alexander Hall, parts of it, a façade that worked best from a distance, resembled the precisely cropped image that dominated the pamphlet.   This photo was true, but misleading, as it only showed the exterior of the building, which had until recently been some sort of warehouse. The rest of the necessary improvements – architectural, paint and plaster, updated wiring, serious lighting, were yet to be addressed.

The dining facility, a converted barn, was also located on the main campus.  There they stood, two lonely, aging structural mishaps, snowed into place, quaintly set against a backdrop of Berkshire Mountains.  The student lounge, previously a bar, sat across the lane.  Actually, it was still very bar-like.  The alcohol had been replaced with cola bottles, and the words, Laura’s Pub, had received not quite enough paint, leaving the letters subdued but unconquered.  Someone who was either very sincere, but simpleminded, or who possessed a satirical disposition, had scattered random text books on shelves and counters.  Most likely, the same decorator was responsible for camouflaging a dart board by covering most of it with a Rand McNally map of the lower forty-eight.   I spotted a few trophies assigned to various alcoves, none having anything to do with Hansley Hall.  The carpet smelled of stale beer.   Historical men’s room graffiti provided perspective.   Evidently, a local named Evelyn had been highly admired by the regulars. 

            Typically, parents sent their troubled children off to Hansley and the kids suddenly start getting excellent grades.   D students turned into A students almost overnight.  Parents marveled.  Finally, their wayward sons were encountering teachers who could get these truants to buckle down.  Unfortunately, that was not the situation.  Poor students received little encouragement.  One or two teachers, like Mr. Bressler, were resourceful, dedicated educators.  Most either didn’t care, or couldn’t teach.  Just about the only demand made on the kids was that they were not to run away.  The reward for staying on campus was an impressive report card.

            The teaching staff was composed of men at loose ends.  People with no immediate plans.  The school did not require a teaching credential, nor  previous teaching experience.  It asked instructors to work for room, board and subsistence wages.  It hired men willing to remain pretty much imprisoned in the Berkshire Mountains.  Not the kind of opportunity taken by those with better options.

            Despite the required gray slacks and blue blazers, most of the sixty-odd kids looked and acted as if they’d spent more time sniffing glue than confronting academic aspirations.  Properly medicated, they seemed to say, it was possible to have a good time just about anywhere, even in North Egermont. 

I was the only Jew, found that smelling airplane glue gave me a headache, and just to insure my unpopularity, was not interested in skiing.  Snow related recreation was what you did in the New England winter. 

            There was unanimous student body opinion that the school sucked.  I’m sure even the teachers held this view.  Hate ruled.  Teachers hated students.  Students hated teachers.  We all hated the kitchen staff.  But unlike most of my classmates, my strongest objections derived from the comparison I continued to make between Hansley Hall and more reputable boarding schools, particularly the fictional Pencey Prep.    Hansley would not have asked Holden to leave. 

            Ray Foley, my one genuine friend, understood my disappointment.  He too felt betrayed by Doc’s high regard for the school’s feeble attempts to teach us things.  The seven boys in Mr. Soto’s Spanish class paid no attention to the old guy, talking over him, making fun of his quiet pleading for cooperation.  Bruce Bolock once pulled the desk, the desk!, out from in front of Soto, notes and all, leaving the exasperated man stranded on his chair, knees shaking, tears in his eyes.   

            Two years, Foley kept telling me, two years he’d been left in Dr. Stevensonn’s care.  He said this as if suffering from a condition that Doc was supposed to treat, as if the Headmaster had studied medicine rather than anthropology.  From day one, Ray had written his parents about how they were wasting their money, called them with updates, and when he was home for vacations and summer recess, described ongoing derelictions.  His father laughed as if he was supposed to be amused by these stories.  The one time his mother and father drove up from Delaware, Doc took them on a personal tour, directing their attention to the blazers and gray slacks, to the ski tow, to the bus that took students back to the dorms. 

            Mr. and Mrs. Foley sat in on Bressler’s Algebra class, impressed by the small class size and unaware that shortly before they entered, Bressler told his students, “you behave or it’s your ass.  I’m going to ask questions.  I want full participation.  If you know the answer, raise your left hand.  If you don’t, raise your right hand.”

There was a certain freedom in leaving home, in finding that my current peers considered me brainy.  Brainy?  These kids thought I was smart?  I found that interesting.  Ray Foley and I went for long walks, conducting conversations that took us into town, beyond the frozen afternoons, through snow storms, walking-talking, we used to say, explaining why the future held levers of revenge, complaining, extolling.  Wondering.  It turned out there was, I had, so much to say.

Still.  First impressions set a kind of standard, a benchmark, a norm against which you judged further evidence.   Salinger didn’t spend all that much time describing Pencey Prep, but I knew his school had a fencing team.  I surmised a certain quality, a tone.  The place projected the kind of refinement required by wealthy mothers and fathers who held knowledgeable expectations.  It had carpets, drapes, paintings hanging on papered walls.  People were very civil to one another.  Students knew how to learn.  Masters knew how to teach.  Decorum.  It had decorum.  

Hansley lacked all of this.  It offered mud, and drafts, clueless teachers and an old bus.  It was a phony school, and my being there made me a phony. 

Spring break.  It took two trains to get back to Manhattan.  The first, a lone railroad car, long and absurdly bipolar, with engineer booths at each end, obviously designed so it could reach a final destination then start back without having to turn around.  Riding it felt like you were part of a prank, and also part of an expanding party.  For at each stop, and it was a local, more students, boarding school and college, pressed their way into the available space.  Kids seated themselves everywhere, on suitcases, in the aisles, half a dozen to a bench, food, guitars, books, music, discussions, romance, shaken to contentment by the clatter and agitation created when a uniquely independent railroad car mastered tracks conforming to the Berkshire Mountains.  At Boston’s South Station, we deboarded and rushed to catch the Yankee Clipper, an express to New York City.

I reached home in time for dinner.  Nothing classy.  Nothing remotely refined or sophisticated.  Left over chicken soup, actually.  And since my mother hadn’t given much thought to the meal, salami and eggs. 

“How’s it going,” my father asked?

I put the Sunday Times magazine on the table, opened it to the classifieds, where I’d circled: The Roosevelt School, Shippan Point, Stamford, Connecticut.

 

////

 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Hand Shake


Hand Shake

By Charles E. Kraus


         JFK and I shook hands once, or touched hands would be more accurate.  Maybe we did, would be more honest.  If this monumental moment took place at all, the year would have been 1959 or 60.  My recollection is vague, not vivid like those I have of November 22nd .  Sometimes vague is better than vivid.

         When my kids were growing up, I tried to explain JFK – not just the handshake, not just the shots, to explain Camelot, from pre-election to the sudden end.  I never felt I’d done more than pass along facts and well established mythology.  I couldn’t get to the essence.  “You had to be there,” is a phrase or concept used by frustrated explainers upset because reality is complex and language is approximate. 

         During the 1960 election my father was an enthusiastic Kennedy supporter.  After the Bay of Pigs, he was not.  He began quoting from Victor Laski’s book, The Man and the Myth, a long, provocative, highly embellished account of everything Kennedy had done wrong.   Written before the sexy stuff surfaced, Victor must have been shocked by those revelations.   He was a precursor to Kitty Kelley, but not as much fun to read. 

Like so many people who questioned the Administration, my father was still able to appreciate Kennedy’s personal strengths.  He found the President to be a man capable of thinking on his feet, the embodiment of wit, style, and grace.  Kennedy was not afraid to test these skills and attributes, as he did during his weekly press conferences.  There was no cable television, no CNN or FOX, no all-news radio.  New York had seven newspapers and some of these published more than one edition on a busy news cycle.  There were more newspapers than television stations.  If you lived in a major media market, you were fortunate enough to have four or five channels.  We were New York, we had six.  

The President’s press conferences commanded large audiences, and being a part of that viewership had a communal feel.  John Kennedy wanted to talk to the nation, and the nation wanted to watch and listen.  People either liked what they heard or they did not.   Opinion wasn’t shaped by pundits filtering the story and telling you what to think about it.  Opinion was formed by watching John Kennedy live, fielding questions and making himself available for public scrutiny.  

On the 1960 evening of my possible contact with Mr. Kennedy, he was scheduled for a campaign stop at the Teaneck, New Jersey Armory.  He was running really late.  Inside the old brick edifice came more and more supporters.  As the hour grew, maneuvering space shrank. It felt like Time Square on New Year’s Eve, and if it wasn’t exactly a new year, politically, we were celebrating a New Frontier.  The sound that too many people make in a confined space, if they are excited and if their voices compete for rebounding with the walls and ceil, can charge a united mindset with massive energy.   And so, if you are the catalyst, and you wait just long enough, if you enter a rally as the wave of enthusiasm reaches its peak and, accompanied by your entourage, make your way onto the stage, then taking the last dozen steps, a lone man, buoyed by a rousing reception, if you are JFK, there is a roar so impossibly exquisite, only the sound of another lone man, pulling the trigger of his 6.5 mm Carcano can eventually extinguish the reverberation.

When he left the Armory, he headlined of a procession of open topped cars, creeping ever so slowly through crowds that had spilled out of the building and mingled with crowds already lining the street.  I made my way ahead of the caravan, maneuvering high and low, left and right, until I reached the curb.  Overwhelmed by the joy and excitement, I raced onto the pavement, my arm, like those of many other exuberant supporters, reaching for the man who stood in the open car.  Someone shook it.  

////

Friday, October 11, 2013

Revaluation



Revaluation
By Charles E. Kraus

Two rather suspiciously clean cut young men just came to my door offering gospel literature and an invitation to get me saved at a forthcoming revival.  I declined, but reluctantly.  I do wish I had at least one religious bone, one inclination to explain existence from a heavenly perspective.  To be able to say, when a tragedy such as (here, I was going to name a tragedy, but there have been so many lately that selecting one seems preposterous).  To say, when extreme misfortune occurs, that God has a plan which I am unable to see from the Heavenly angle, but that I should trust. 
I take a certain kind of comfort in the inability of any particular religion to dominate, to be so obviously the true version of things sacred, that over time, it prevails.  Can’t we come to some spiritual consensus, people?  We’ve had millenniums to work this out.   
For many years, Mormons secretly baptized Jews, allegedly so they could get a hall pass to Heaven.  There was a rumor that in retaliation, Jews covertly bar mitzvahed Mormons so they could learn what it feels like to be overwhelmed by cufflinks and Amazon gift certificates. 
I acknowledge that most religiosity takes place with the best of intensions.  Don’t we all want to end up in High Heaven?  Well, no, actually.  I for one would like to end up completely dead.  Not transferred to another venue.  Just finished.  Not yet, of course.  I’m not advocating, nor in any way encouraging, my expedited demise. But when it’s over, I want to be completely deconstructed. 
It must be difficult for Him/Her/Jehovah/Yahweh/Wowmister to keep track of us.  I’m thinking that the earth began as a minor diversion.  Couple of million souls, little habitation, some loose energy.  It was the kind of endeavor you could manage in your spare time --  Godly-Google Calendar Notes: ‘check Harry’s bunions on Tuesday,’ ‘Wednesday, remember to put some water into the Mississippi River,’‘Thursday, see if the Johnson  family is grateful.’  But over millenniums, some little ventures become Apple – not from the tree, the Cupertino.  Earth grew into a whirling success.   Now, even God needs constantly updated software to track the stats.  You should see his source code.
I’m a secular-humanist.  Our core belief is that God is an atheist and we are responsible (or irresponsible) for our own destinies.  Not necessarily our own health care, but our own ethereal roads, taken or not.  I guess that means we are free to select any belief system that appeals.   Therefore: everything inside or outside this box is under the box, or over it, depending upon your perspective.  As Lenny Bruce said, the earth revolves and periodically, heaven is to the left.  On the other hand, Mort Sahl said that when he dies he wants to by buried in Chicago so he can remain politically active. 
My bag is packed and stowed under my bed.  The routing slip says, ‘Oblivion,” but it will probably get lost and end up in Detroit.   No matter, they evidently amount to the same thing.

Mark Twain dreamed he died and went to Heaven where he encountered all the people he hoped to get away from.  Grabbing his bag, he headed for the other place.  “There you have it,” he observed, “Heaven for climate, hell for society.”   

Monday, September 23, 2013

As the world spins faster, bigger, louder

As the world spins faster, bigger, louder 

Special to The Seattle Times  5-8-13

HAVE you ever watched a computer geek whip through assorted levels of code and programming, fixing, adjusting, creating technological miracles at the keyboard?

When I see this, I sometimes think, what would these guys be doing if there were no computers? It’s fascinating. Dormant superpowers were buried within their minds, just waiting for opportunities to unfold.

Then I look at the availability of guns, of twisted anthems and searchable belief systems lurking on the Internet, at the plethora of hallucinogenic and other mind distorters, at the roster of charismatic enablers.

I recall recent headlines: “Pressure-cooker bombs,” “School shooting in Newtown,” “Five dead In Federal Way.” I recall these, and wonder what latent inclinations are just waiting for an opportunity to emerge and generate more havoc.

When I was a teen, you could get a cup of coffee for a nickel. Later, I remember catching a meal at the International House of Pancakes and finding they sold coffee by the endlessly refillable pitcher. It wasn’t a nickel, but seemed like an excellent value.

Apartments were tiny. By the mid ’50s, we had moved into a house in the burbs. Compared with today’s floor plans, my childhood home was an elaborate garage. Houses have gotten much bigger these days. People seem to need more space.

Our first television had an extremely small screen with a magnifying lens in front of it that enlarged and somewhat distorted the black and white picture. There were a handful of stations; most signed off for the night around 11 p.m.

On television and in the movies, violence was insinuated. Fights were brief. Often a punch or two defeated the bad guy. Hostilities were not depicted graphically. A slam to the jaw equaled a knockout. No blood. No prolonged suffering. After the movie, we went to White Castle to enjoy 15-cent hamburgers.

Now, the hamburgers are supersized. Waiters refill your cup each time you take a sip of coffee. Or maybe you order the venti, half-soy, half-skim mocha with an extra pump of chocolate and some foam. That coffee costs about five bucks.
Movies do not only show close-ups of violent acts, they slow them down, 3-D them, HD them, cover them from every conceivable angle, exaggerate them, making sure viewers get the full-screen presentation.

We need more choices. Larger portions. More assertive, confrontational, emotional, doctrinaire talk shows and political theater.

When I was a youngster roaming the streets of New York City, there were gangs. The play and movie “West Side Story” turned the ’50s turf battles into jazz dancing.
The gangs were not companies of jazz dancers. They were pockets of alienation. Kids got beaten up, mostly with sticks, clubs and a variety of brass knuckles. There were switchblades. Later, there were pipe-guns.

Now, of course, gangs have automatic weapons. Some would call that technological progress. Apprentice sociopaths didn’t have a lot of tools back when I was in the school yard. They didn’t have an array of despicable homegrown models and attitudes, didn’t realize the range of sadistic options.
Life has speeded up. Sensation trumps. If you have enough perspective, you might think things have grown frantic. I do.


Charles E. Kraus lives and writes in Seattle.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Why write a personal essay?

OTHERTHANNOW, a blog of personal essays ........
By Charles Kraus


 
 
Why write a personal essay?

           Why write an impersonal essay?

           We who request the reader’s attention --  Attention,  Attention -  claim to have something so important to say, so urgent, so original, remarkable, essential, entertaining, or merely interesting, that folks need to pull themselves away from their own remarkable journeys  to feast on our extraordinary perceptions. 

What follows in my OtherThanNow blog is a bit of meandering well-seasoned with a dash of confusion, spots of compassion, dollops of redundancy, and just a pinch of originality. 

Attention, Attention – may I have your indulgence?   My Day, a new posting, is available below along with previous columns. 

 

Sunday, July 21, 2013

My Day, with apologies to Eleanor*


My Day, with apologies to Eleanor*

By Charles Kraus

 I am trying to reacquaint myself with the concept of leisure time.  Linda is visiting in Northern California, and here I sit, no shows today, no predetermined agenda, mindless, blissfully unmoored, yet restless.  Curious, too, wondering if I can return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, those meandering, subterranean, reveries found on summer days of my unburdened youth.  Things were easier the last time I submitted to such an opportunity.

Back then, word processing took place in my mind, which instructed my fingers how and when to pound on the Smith Corona.   Accountable to no one, I conducted a life of free association, taking extended walks that began and ended at my desk.  Stimulated by whispers slipped into my thought process by life itself, non sequiturs would jostle about as I pursued my afternoons.  Occasionally, these would organize and become ideas.

I suspect I might attempt some writing today, or think something, or do something.   At the moment, I am looking out of a second story window.  Trees overwhelm the view, obscuring mountains, offering nature’s brand of protective sun block, trumping again and again every potential gap that might allow the sky to prevail.

A Sunday in the middle third of July, exclusively mine, uncorrupted by directives or expectations  … an aimless segment, a mishappenstance, a sector that powers failed to program, a lapse, a gaff, unregistered, unclaimed, except as revealed within my horoscopic particulars. 

Or course, it has been my intension to spend a day such as this listening to concertos while catching up on my correspondence.  Also, on my reading.  Possibly,  these worthy goals conflict with my vague plan to reorganize, or more accurately, to organize my music collection.  That is another thing I might just get to.  Or, I might not.

My dance card lists no responsibilities.  No pets, lawns, friends, foes, commercial enterprises, require my attention.  And, to advance this accounting, I’ll add that temperate sunshine compliments the view.  Out there, beyond my window, I am looking at the kind of day in which a person could get a lot accomplished.

You see my dilemma. 

Later I will know whether or not I talked myself into doing or not doing anything whatsoever.  For now, I am attempting to establish contact with the assorted components:  mind, body, soul -- a limited partnership -- that own the rights to myself.   I will take a census, conduct a survey.  Are there any serious demands?  Any immediate needs?  Any desires?  We take a vote.  The eyes have it.  The ears, feet, superstructure, the force field, unanimously in favor of absolutely nothing in particular. 

I am.  Therefore, I am.

////

*  My Day was a newspaper column written by Eleanor Roosevelt six days a week from 1935 to 1962

Thursday, June 20, 2013

FATHER IN THE NIGHT


FATHER IN THE NIGHT

By Charles E. Kraus

 
Before he left the house for good, which is perhaps a strange way to describe his departure, my
father left the house for extended periods.  A month, two months at a time -- no signs of dad.  Also, no calls, cards or communications of any kind.  These parental gaps were billed as vacations.

In retrospect, my father’s vaguely explained absences, remixed to include the woman he later married, make a more complete picture.  He was not, as reported, always out on remote lakes or in forests exploring, prospecting for gold or conducting geological reconnaissance.  There were assignations. 

He did go west once without Else.  When I was about ten, he drop me off for the first day of school, offered an extended hand shake signaling, see you in a few months, then meandered down the road to meet his buddy, Eddie.   The two drove from New York to Utah to search for uranium. 

They left town in an ancient panel truck with bad brakes, my collapsible Air Force paratrooper’s bike stowed away for emergencies, a geiger counter and a scintillometer - uranium detectors, on board.  They planned to use these to find the pot of radioactivity at the end of the rainbow.  About three months later, my father returned.  No bike, no truck, no Eddie.  Eddie had decided to remain in the west, sans his wife and kids, who resided in New Jersey. He was keeping my bike.

There are other grievances, but its Father’s Day, so I want to switch gears (my fold-up bike could do that).  Whenever I have doubts about my father’s love, or my love for him, I think about the following events:

I was six-years-old, and for some reason we were taking the cross-town subway.  It departed every five minutes or so.  Dad and I entered and sat down.   After what felt like a few seconds, he said, ‘ok, time to change trains.’  The doors hadn’t closed and we hadn’t gone anywhere.  But out of the car we raced, reentering from another door.  We returned to the same seats we had just vacated, but only for a moment, before we rushed out again.  This got repeated a few more times, “time to change trains!” and soon the more sedate passengers got into the spirit.  Seemed as if everyone enjoyed my father’s antics.  That was the first time I realized he had the ability to be joyful.

I think about my father taking me along to his chess games where I got to meet his ‘down-town’ friends.  No one else in our family knew them.  They were part of his other world. 

The bird-people, a husband and wife whose parrot and vast number of parakeets, had out-of-cage privileges all over their living room, were my favorite.

The fellow with books everywhere, an entire apartment of floor to ceiling shelves, walls obscured, free standing cabinets claiming any remaining floor space, an accumulation of printed matter dominating every vista.  The chess board sat on a stack of encyclopedias.

And, I recall walking down 8th Avenue with my father when a guy coming from the opposite direction spotted him and said, “Hi Sparks.”

“Sparks?”

Dad had been a shipboard radio operator during WWII, a Morse coder.  The nickname for these communicators was “Sparks.”  This was explained to me after he spent a few minutes exchanging pleasantries with his old shipmate. 

The thought of my father having a nickname was revolutionary. 

Contrary to his cross-town train performance, dad was an extremely shy man, reluctant to place himself into situations requiring contact with strangers.  Somehow he had been manipulated into becoming Treasure of my Cub Scout Pack, an assignment that surely intimated him.  It was to a Pack board meeting that the baby sitter called to report my particularly insidious migraine headache.  Sensing an opportunity to get away from the gathering, dad left my mother and came home to comfort me. 

You have to understand.  My father did not hug, ever.  I have no memories of him kissing anyone, ever.  I have no memories of him proclaiming his love of anything or anyone other than by bestowing intellectual praise.   And so, when he arrived in the night, placing his arm around me, pulling me close and rubbing my throbbing head, he provided a kind of unprecedented relief that has lasted to this day. 

He opened the window and suggested I take a few deep breaths of the cool evening air.  My headache subsided and he returned to the meeting.  I think about that night.