Revaluation

Revaluation

By Charles E. Kraus

Two rather suspiciously clean cut young men just came to my door offering gospel literature and an invitation to get me saved at a forthcoming revival.  I declined, but reluctantly.  I do wish I had at least one religious bone, one inclination to explain existence from a heavenly perspective.  To be able to say, when a tragedy such as (here, I was going to name a tragedy, but there have been so many lately that selecting one seems preposterous).  To say, when extreme misfortune occurs, that God has a plan which I am unable to see from the Heavenly angle, but that I should trust. 

I take a certain kind of comfort in the inability of any particular religion to dominate, to be so obviously the true version of things sacred, that over time, it prevails.  Can’t we come to some spiritual consensus, people?  We’ve had millenniums to work this out.   

For many years, Mormons secretly baptized Jews, allegedly so they could get a hall pass to Heaven.  There was a rumor that in retaliation, Jews covertly bar mitzvahed Mormons so they could learn what it feels like to be overwhelmed by cufflinks and Amazon gift certificates. 

I acknowledge that most religiosity takes place with the best of intensions.  Don’t we all want to end up in High Heaven?  Well, no, actually.  I for one would like to end up completely dead.  Not transferred to another venue.  Just finished.  Not yet, of course.  I’m not advocating, nor in any way encouraging, my expedited demise. But when it’s over, I want to be completely deconstructed. 

It must be difficult for Him/Her/Jehovah/Yahweh/Wowmister to keep track of us.  I’m thinking that the earth began as a minor diversion.  Couple of million souls, little habitation, some loose energy.  It was the kind of endeavor you could manage in your spare time --  Godly-Google Calendar Notes: ‘check Harry’s bunions on Tuesday,’ ‘Wednesday, remember to put some water into the Mississippi River,’‘Thursday, see if the Johnson  family is grateful.’  But over millenniums, some little ventures become Apple – not from the tree, the Cupertino.  Earth grew into a whirling success.   Now, even God needs constantly updated software to track the stats.  You should see his source code.

I’m a secular-humanist.  Our core belief is that God is an atheist and we are responsible (or irresponsible) for our own destinies.  Not necessarily our own health care, but our own ethereal roads, taken or not.  I guess that means we are free to select any belief system that appeals.   Therefore: everything inside or outside this box is under the box, or over it, depending upon your perspective.  As Lenny Bruce said, the earth revolves and periodically, heaven is to the left.  On the other hand, Mort Sahl said that when he dies he wants to by buried in Chicago so he can remain politically active. 

My bag is packed and stowed under my bed.  The routing slip says, ‘Oblivion,” but it will probably get lost and end up in Detroit.   No matter, they evidently amount to the same thing.

Mark Twain dreamed he died and went to Heaven where he encountered all the people he hoped to get away from.  Grabbing his bag, he headed for the other place.  “There you have it,” he observed, “Heaven for climate, hell for society.”